What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 01:41
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
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Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
It was going to be , some day.
Which movies have the best endings?
Comes on , in middle age.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Is heroin really as good as people say it is?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Why do boobs of some girls bounce when they walk?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I was 9 years of age.
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.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
We were not on the streets..
I said to her
I've never read the book. What did Dorian Grey do that was so immoral and sinful?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Who then, do I blame.?
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Why does the God of the Bible condemn homosexual acts?
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
How does Arab culture and values differ from western culture and values?
All the time i was locked up.
She loved him until the end.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
If there exists a “New York of Australia”, is it Sydney or Melbourne?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
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He was dying to do it , i knew.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Ive learnt so much.
But it wasn’t much.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He knew the spot.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
My family never makes their pension either.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
As i do to all so called friends.?
She found it foreign!.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She married twice! .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
So, i spoilt her more .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Would this be the day?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I was very sick at this time too.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She wouldn,t have been !
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I think the readers, may guess!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Why did i forgive my father ?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
So whats the point in blame.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I could never make a relationship work though!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I was scared of men, in general
I have no regrets .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
We all went to grammer schools
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
And i lived it daily.
Im still living with it.
When she asked me how she looked .
I was seconnd youngest,
She was in good health!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I waited trembling.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I will be 64.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
This is soul school!.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But, we were locked up after school.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
One cannot live in the past .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He resisted the act ,that day.
My life is so biszare .
I couldn’t, believe it.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I don,t even have a pension.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
What did i know ?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I write beautiful poetry .
Put me off passion for life!!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.